EDITOR’S NOTEBOOK
TIME TO BUTT OUT TAX HIKES: Law-enforcement agencies in Eastern Ontario have been making a concerted effort for many months now to inform the media of the work they have been doing to counteract the contraband cigarette trade. Wire services distribute releases that document vehicle stops (most of which are in the Cornwall area) that net large quantities of illegal smokes and produce numerous charges and asset seizures. It has become obvious the black market is lucrative enough; there never seems to be a shortage of individuals willing to join the contraband trade and risk getting busted.
We understand why certain politicians and law-enforcement agencies are trying to get as much media attention as possible; they want the public to see the effort being made to catch the people who are breaking the law and, perhaps more importantly, depriving governments of tax revenue. Officers putting their lives on the line to stop the flow of unlawful tobacco products.  
As much as we encourage governments to take steps to address smoking as a public health concern, jacking up the taxes on cigarettes appears to be doing more to grow the illegal smokes industry and the underground economy than to get people to kick the habit. According to the Fraser Institute, a tripling of tobacco excise taxes between 1985 and 1991 boosted the contraband tobacco market from one per cent of total market share to 31 per cent during the same time period. The illegal smokes trade rises and falls with excise tax changes. The bottom line, according to the institute, is jacking up the price of cigarettes is not an effective policy if it leads to rampant smuggling and smokers replacing lawful tobacco products with contraband items.
Health awareness promotions and limits on tobacco advertising appear to be having positive results, but we echo the concerns of those who wonder if taxing legal cigarettes out of the market is an effective way to get smokers to kick the habit. Maybe it’s time our senior levels of government give the issue further consideration; after all, we are sure the police have better things to do with their time than chase cigarette smugglers all through the countryside.

SMALL-TOWN JOB, BIG-CITY COST: We encourage town and township councils to make every reasonable effort to fill municipal staffing vacancies with qualified and capable individuals. Unfortunately, in this day and age, even smaller municipalities like those in the South Grenville area feel the need to turn to utilize the services of executive search firms (head-hunters) and facilitators in order to fill senior positions (such as CAO, clerk and public works director) at a cost of as much as $20,000 to $25,000 per hire.
Time will tell if this way of filling vacancies will benefit ratepayers in the long run. It seems like a very high price to pay, but maybe that’s the cost of doing business in the public sector of small-town Ontario.
Tim Ruhnke

Is it hot enough for ya?

I walked outside my little Batcave of an office last week and took about three steps before the heat nearly knocked me over and I was soaked in sweat.
The pot of gold at the end of my melting rainbow was – this is very predictable if you know me – a Diet Coke. No 12-ounce can that day, my friends. It was bottle-worthy heat. Maybe even the 1L size.
I walked past the guys doing construction on my way to the air-conditioned store. I don’t know how they were doing it. It was in the high 30s Celsius with a Humidex reading of about a million and six. It was as if God took out a pool cue and racked the planets, sinking Mercury and Venus and leaving us on the edge of the Sun’s corner pocket.
The question is annoying, but the extreme heat last week made me a bit homesick for Texas. In 1998, we had 90 days in a row of what we went through here last week, and you do kind of get used to it. I’ll take it over 30-below any day.
One of the big differences between Texans and Canadians is that Canadians will come and ask if it’s hot enough for ya. Texans won’t ask, but they’ll come up with some kind of entertaining metaphor. I loved the food, the people, the weather, and everything else about Texas, but most of all I loved frolicking within their limitless boundaries of language, syntax and metaphor – the same freedoms responsible for some of the silly and seemingly inappropriate expressions that George W. Bush lets out from time to time.
In Texas, we wouldn’t ask “is it hot enough for ya?” We would challenge ourselves to come up with something a bit more colourful. I started thinking of some I’ve heard, used, and even made up, and figured I would make a list. And one other thing, they are more entertaining if you read them with a Texan accent.
“It’s hotter than a campfire in hell.”
“It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.”
“It’s so hot I can hear the fat on your arse sizzling.’”
“The air conditioning guy is busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs.”
“It’s so hot they’re stampin’ ‘Five minutes ago’ as the best before date on Popsicles.”
“It’s like bein’ in the inside of a fat guy’s pants.”
“It’s so hot the chickens are layin’ hard boiled eggs.”
“It’s hotter than the tin gutter on the Devil’s shed in Hades.”
“It’s so hot Orville Redenbacher’s head is fixin’ to pop.”
“It’s so hot you could spit steam.”
“It’s so hot I done saw a dawg chasin’ a cat and they was both walkin.’”
“It’s worse than Texas hot. It’s Africa hot.”
“It’s hotter than a bachelor party at a brothel in Brownsville.”
“It’s so hot the seat belt buckle branded my kids.”
“It’s hotter than Satan’s underpants.”
“It’s so hot the cows are givin’ evaporated milk.”
“It’s so hot that I brushed my teeth with red hot chili peppers just to freshen my breath.”
“It’s so hot my braces are blisterin’ my teeth.”
“It’s so hot my eyeballs are fixin’ to shrivel up like raisins.”
“It’s hotter than my dog’s breath.”
“It’s hotter than a buzzard’s butt at high noon in El Paso.”
“It’s so hot that Janet Reno is cooling off down at the Branch Dividian complex fire.”
“It’s so hot the watermelons are evaporating.”
“It’s so hot my nipples have crawled back inside my body and are looking for shade under my spleen.”
“It’s hotter than two polar bears fightin’ in a forest fire.”
“It’s hotter than fresh asphalt on the Hades Interstate.”
“It’s so hot the M&Ms will melt in your hand, not your mouth.”
“It’s hotter than a burnin’ stump.”
“It’s so hot you can cook spaghetti in the pond.”
“It’s one of them aluminum foil sweater days.”
“It’s so hot I want to take off my skin and just wear my bones.”
“It’s hot enough to sunburn a horned toad.”
“It’s hotter than Lucifer’s woodstove.”
“It’s so hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog.”
“It’s so hot that Home Depot is asking for a cover charge to go into their fan section.”
“It’s so hot Mexico is fixin’ to build a wall to keep the U.S. out.”
“It’s so hot Baskin Robbins is selling jalapeno ice cream.”
Well, that’s just a sampling of them. I hope there is still enough time left in the summer to make use of these when you’re at the line up in the post office or the bank or somewhere like that.
By the way, is it humid enough for ya?
Jeffrey Morris was the 2008 OCNA Columnist of the Year. His book, From the Other Side: It's No Use Sacrificing A Chicken if You Can't Read the Entrails, is available at the Prescott Journal and at Pages Books and Treasures on King Street.